Bloomin eck, the RHS Chelsea Flower Show is officially ‘on’. So that’s a pretty nice way to pass an idle day in London, but what to do at night? Well, unlike the petals, ferns and sprays on display in Chelsea, the following copse of cultural dainties isn’t merely decorative. Have a peep….

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Bob Mould, Electric Ballroom, 21 May
Ex Hüsker Du/Sugar man Bob Mould has done a lot since the 1990s, most of it solo, most of it iconic. He’ll leave his mark on Camden’s Electric Ballroom tonight, playing a compilation of alt-hits spanning his many years in the biz. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

Bullet Catch, The Shed at National Theatre, 21 May – 1 Jun (pictured)
Graded high on many critics’ shortlists (even the hard-to-please cynics at ThreeWeeks) at the 2012 Fringe, illusionist Rob Drummond’s one-man magic show has it all; levitation, heart-racing tricks, and even a dash of existentialism. Details and ticket here.

Not I, Royal Court Theatre, 21-25 May
Taking the Royal Court’s Jerwood Downstairs space in its vice-like grip tonight is Samuel Beckett’s stark one-woman soliloquy, in which a floating pair of lips appears above the pitch-black stage, lit only by a beam of light, talking as fast as its mind thinks. Details and tickets here.

Pilgrims, Etcetera Theatre, 21 May – 9 Jun
Royal Court Studio writer Sarah Page and theatre debutantes Raise Dark collaborate to make this darkly comic play, a real-time imagined sermon by Pope Benedict XVI, and parallel to that, a West Midlands-based family’s reaction to the televised speech. Details and tickets here.

So, lots going on in London today, if I’m speaking culturally (and I am), not least the following…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Awful Animals With Stote & Carp presents…Sara Pascoe/Nathan Dean Williams/Ford & Akram/Luke Benson, The Miller, 20 May
Rachel Stubbings and Jessica Fostekew have  invited a flock of funny/furry comics to share their patter as part of this Awful animal-based night, and Sara Pascoe, Nathan Dean Williams, Ford & Akram and Luke Benson all RSVPd for tonight. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S FESTIVAL CHOICES

London Literature Festival, 20 May – 4 Jun
London’s litterati (and normal book fans too) will love the city’s yearly biblio-fest, the activities index at which features readings via the Man Booker and Women’s Prize For Fiction awards; biographer Claire Tomalin’s seminars on Thomas Hardy and Jane Austen; authorial talks by Barbara Kingsolver, Audrey Niffenegger, Lionel Shriver and William Dalrymple; and live poetry, short plays, and panel debates on fame and the graphic novel. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Parquet Courts, Rough Trade East, 20 May
Sparky NYC upstarts Parquet Courts ‘Light Up Gold’ has so far proven one of the year’s most-loved LPs, and they’ll be showing why that is tonight via a free (free, that is, to wristband-wearers and those buying copies of ‘Light Up Gold’ only) in-store set at RTE. Details here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

Chimerica, Almeida Theatre, 30 May – 6 Jul (pictured)
Writer of the Royal Court’s provocative ‘NSFW’ Lucy Kirkwood’s new play trains its lens on Joe (one time ‘History Boy’ Stephen Campbell Moore), a young photojournalist plagued by the things he saw at China’s Tianamen Square riots back in 1989. Details and tickets here.

Well I’ll be, if the Frock Me Vintage Fair – a bargain paradise for any sartorialist – isn’t on today at Chelsea Town Hall. Ooh la la. So bearing that (kind of) in mind, why not try this tailor-made rack of London-based cultural attractions for size…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Max & Ivan’s Roffle Club, Leicester Square Theatre, 19 May (pictured)
FAO: anyone fond of the occasional ROFL… this night is the one for you, especially if you’re also partial to the comic stylings of hosts Max & Ivan and tonight’s guest-Rofflers like the Eddie Izzard-esque Holly Burn, likeable LDN vaudevillains Bob & Jim, and surreal sketch act So On And So Forth. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Melvins, Brixton Electric, 19-20 May
Esteemed ‘sludge-rock’ creatures Melvins are going to play four of their most infamous back-LPs over a pair of shows at London’s Brixton Electric. Tonight’s is an unabridged playback of 1992′s ‘Lysol’ and 1993′s ‘Houdini’, whilst tomorrow’s will feature ‘Bullhead’ and ‘Stoner Witch’ (circa 1991 and 1994 respectively). Details and tickets here.

London-based connoisseurs of scallops and roll-mops alive-alive-o will love today’s Cockles And Mussels extravaganza at the Museum Of London Docklands, as features fishy party-favours and live music c/o Mercury Prize nominee Sam Lee and his Nest Collective. But if jellied eels aren’t quite your bag, try instead this fresh catch of civic cultural chum…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Channel 4′s Comedy Gala, The O2, 18 May (pictured)
A neatly alphabetised bevy of big-name telly stars, not least Adam Hills, Alan Carr, Diversity, Jack Dee, Jason Byrne, Jo Brand, Jonathan Ross, Josh Widdicombe, Kevin Bridges, Lee Evans, Michael McIntyre, Miranda Hart, Nina Conti, Jon Richardson, Noel Fielding, Paddy McGuinness, Paul Chowdhry, Rhod Gilbert, Rich Hall, Russell Brand, Seann Walsh, Tom Stade and Warwick Davis, show in force to raise smiles and £s for Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital. Details and tickets here.

Bring It Home For Homelessness, Union Chapel, 18 May
Like a blonde, Foster’s Award-winning comic bazooka whose only aim is to raise cash for charity, Roisin Conaty is firing on all cylinders as headliner at this vital fundraiser in aid of St Mungo’s and the Margins Project. But she isn’t doing it solo, oh no, because she has an all-girl, all-amazing stand-up army (Mae Martin, Cariad Lloyd, Trodd en Bratt, Grainne Maguire and The Boom Jennies) by her side. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

McFly – The Best Of McFly, Wembley Arena, 18 May
Still piping hot pop real-estate after many years in the game, Dougie, Tom, Harry and Danny brave a 12,500-sized mass of mums N daughters to play their very greatest hits. Details and tickets here.

Simian Mobile Disco, XOYO, 18 May
Moveable synth DJs SMD, aka James Ford and Jas Shaw, take turns on the turntables (ha ha) at XOYO tonight, spinning a mix of their tracks (‘We Are Your Friends’, ‘It’s The Beat’, ‘Audacity Of Huge’ et al) and the tracks of others. Details and tickets here.

So this is one of those ‘days of ideas’, Pack Rat Day. Basically the ‘idea’ of it is pro-hoarding, aka that it’s okay to hoard things. Only in America. So to fly in the Pack Ratty face of all that, this is a fairly minimalist chic arrangement of cultural dainties…

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Noise Of Art’s 100 Years Of An Art Of Noises, Village Underground, 17 May
The bill at live promotions co Noise Of Art’s intricately-titled celebration of a centenary of electronica (aka 100 years since Italian futurist Luigi Russolo shared his ‘Manifesto For An Art of Noises’ and designed the world’s first synthesiser) is capped by ‘The Village’ actress Maxine Peake and her band, Eccentronic Research Council, and features Fil OK, Deadstock 33s, Jim Stanton and Scottee. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S OPERA CHOICES

La Donna Del Lago, Royal Opera House, 17 May – 11 Jun (pictured)
John Fulljames directs a cast of international warblers inc Joyce DiDonato, Juan Diego Flórez, and Justina Gringyte  in Rossini’s torrid 1819 opera, which is based (as you may have guessed) on Walter Scott’s ‘The Lady of the Lake‘. King James V is entranced when he meets a beautiful woman, Elena, in the Highlands, but is dismayed to learn her father is his enemy, Douglas. Elena, meanwhile, is in love, but not with James V or her fiancée. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

Hound, Vibe Gallery at The Biscuit Factory, 17 May – 9 Jun
Shocking nudity! Explicit scenes! Opium! An extraordinary spectacle of visionary images both verbal and visual! All are on the somewhat naughty cards in Wet Paint Theatre and ‘gonzo playwright’ Chris Ward’s debauched new tell-all charting the ‘timeless life’ of vagrant Victorian bard Francis Thompson. Details and tickets here.

‘So, aside from visiting one (or all, if you have time) of the many, many London museums that are staying visitable until late tonight as part of Culture24′s Museums At Night initiative (16-18 May), what else is the cultural craic in the big city this eve?’, you may well ask. Might TW London propose the following, for a start…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Ritzy Crackers presents… Ava Vidal/Shirley & Shirley/Luke Benson, Brixton Ritzy, 16 May
Straight-talking satirist Ava Vidal, elastic-visaged sketch pairing Shirley & Shirley and backseat driver Luke Benson make for a particularly piquant Ritzy Cracker line-up tonight in Brixton. Details and tickets here.

Rosie Wilby – Nineties Woman, The Exhibit Balham, 16 May
What with the grunge revival and all, pop diarist (circa 2011) Rosie Wilby’s new show ‘Nineties Woman’ is, given it’s set in the past, really very relevant. Especially given its lady-centric narrative thread, which Wilby traces back via her past at a DIY feminist newspaper. She’ll be showing slides and clips too, so creating a socio-cultural showreel charting changing female iconography, from ‘riotgrrl’ to Dyke TV. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Bass Drum Of Death, The Black Heart, 16 May
Probably not a show to take grandma to, this, as Bass Drum Of Death (that’s John Barret and band) unlock a box of rapacious garage rock in the sweaty chambers of Camden’s Black Heart. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

To Kill A Mockingbird, Regent’s Park Open Air Theatre, 16 May – 15 Jun (pictured)
Regent’s Park Open Air AD Timothy Sheader is charged with translating this heavy Harper Lee classic, as stars ‘Dead Poets Society’ actor Robert Sean Leonard as ‘radical’ Deep South lawyer Atticus Finch, to the stage. Details and tickets here.

Oh, now this is just ridiculous. It’s Straw Hat Day, y’all, and we’re all well (un)aware what that entails. So strap on that wicker headpiece and saddle up your London cultural buckaroo with this lot…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Chris Hardwick, Leicester Square Theatre, 15 May
Prince of the comic-flipping sci fi heads Chris Hardwick – who writes for Wired and in 2008 started niche geek mecca Nerdist – is beaming into the LST for a night to highlight his various (starship) enterprises. Details and tickets here.

Festival Of The Spoken Nerd, Udderbelly Southbank, 15 May (pictured)
An anarchic night of high-IQ comic geekery designed to tickle ‘the insatiable sci-curious’ (and starring lab technicians Matt Parker, Steve Mould and Helen Arney), ‘FOTN’ is set apart by its live experiments, sing-songs and stand-up mathematics. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

King Tuff, Birthdays, 15 May
Signed to go-to rock label Burger Records, mussy garage bum King Tuff – maker of catchy psych-pop hits like ‘Alone And Stoned’ and ‘Anthem’ – is recreating the very same hits live tonight at Dalston’s Birthdays. So… go watch him do that, or else. Details and tickets here.

Pinkunoizu, Electrowerkz, 15 May
Specialising, or so it’s said, in a tropical cocktail of ‘lo-fi, high-life, nu-folklore, 1960s Asian pop and post-apocalyptic future rock’, Copenhagen/Berlin-based octet Pinkunoisu (that’s Japanese for ‘Pink Noise’, clearly) set aside space to play tracks off their leisurely new LP ‘Free Time’. Details and tickets here.

Aside from piling shame on the man/lady who chose to make today Chicken Dance Day, here are several other non-fowl ways to pass this May day in London…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Amy Lamé – Unhappy Birthday, Camden People’s Theatre, 14 May – 1 Jun
Cool comic dame Amy Lamé’s anti-bday celebrations wasn’t all that celebrated when it played at the Fringe last year, but chances are that – like a fine vintage Lambrini – it’s improved with time. That, and a Morrissey-dedicated mix of “cake and quiffs, beer and balloons, party poppers and pass the parcel” is undeniably great on paper. ‘Why don’t you find out for yourself?’, as Moz might ask. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Woodkid, Roundhouse, 14 May
Famed filmmaker and artist Yoann Lemoine aka Woodkid reenacts tracks from his dark and grandiose 2012 LP ‘The Golden Age’, as features the sleeper hit single ‘Run Boy Run’. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

4000 Miles, The Print Room, 14 May – 1 Jun
Director James Dacre takes care of the first London-based staging of Amy Herzog’s Pullitzer Prize finalist ’4000 Miles’, which charts the reconciliation of 21 year-old hippie Leo and his estranged grandmother Vera. Details and tickets here.

Mess, Battersea Arts Centre, 14 May – 1 Jun (pictured)

A ‘play with songs’ charting trials, fears and anxieties that go hand-in-hand with anorexia, playwright/actress Caroline Horton’s ‘Mess’ has earned praise for the way it bravely faces the “particularly thin elephant in the room” with the greatest tact. Details and tickets here.

Mess Trailer from Caroline Horton on Vimeo.

In light of today’s whimsical day du jour, we at TW London have leapfrogged London’s cultural lily pad to bring you this croaking (sorry) comical/musical/theatrical triple bill…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Balls To Homelessness feat Tony Law/Milton Jones/Romesh Ranganathan/Carl Donnelly, Comedy Store Picadilly, 13 May
A team of pro comics play for away-laughs in aid of Homeless FA, with Tony Law, Milton Jones, Romesh Ranganathan and Carl Donnelly all hoping to score big in the hilarity-for-charity game tonight. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

CSS, Hoxton Square Bar & Kitchen, 13 May (pictured)
Crazy Brazilian band CSS, who back in 2005 asked the world if it wanted to ‘Make Love And Listen To Death From Above’, are now an all-girl quartet and bang into black turbans. With this (and their new LP ‘Planta’) in mind, they’ll be playing tonight at the Hoxton Square Bar, which is also a Kitchen. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

The Incomers, Pleasance Theatre, 13-18 May
As-heard-on-BBC-6music scribe Murray Lachlan Young‘s new play, as is written entirely in verse, peals back the social facades of its characters in a way that’ll have you (says its PR) “gasping and roaring with laughter” at the same time, as rural marrieds Gordon and Celia invite Londoners Zach and Julia to celebrate their wedding anniversary, little guessing it’ll unravel into a night of revelation, shock and intrigue. Details and tickets here.

So we all have a choice of whimsical ‘days’ today, it being Train Day and/or Eat What You Want. Either way and either day, I’m buying a one way ticket to wherever the cultural feast is at in London tonight, and so should you. Gorge on the following…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Eddie Izzard – Force Majeure, Wembley Arena, 11-12 May (pictured)
The incomparable Mr Izzard is back in force with a new show for 2013, inspired by the French phrase meaning  “superior force” or “chance occurrence, unavoidable accident” to probe life’s great phenomena. And be pretty darn hilarious whilst doing it, too. Details and tickets here.

Jack Dee, Hammersmith Apollo, 11-12 May
After a six-year break from live stand-up, po-faced harbinger of comic gloom Jack Dee wants (he says) to “spend less time with [his] family”. Which is great news to my ears (and, perhaps, to Jack’s family’s), and to the ears of anyone partial to his brand of brittle patter. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Sound Tracks, London Overground (Dalston – Peckham Rye), 11 May
Try this festival idea for size; a ton of indie-ish bands and artists (The Wave Pictures, Woodpecker Wooliams, Tawiah, Off-Key He-Man, Boats, The Leg, Happy Hunting, We Are Willow and Wormfood) stationed at stops on the Overground (orange)  line between Dalston and Peckham, playing live both on and off the trains, at no cost other than the price of an Oyster fare. Details and tickets here.

Since it’s a somewhat acrobatic array of capital-based cultural options we have today, it might be wise to stretch a bit pre reading them. I’ll take light exercise over eye strain, any day…

TODAY’S CABARET CHOICES

International London Burlesque Festival, various venues, 10-19 May
With 90% of tickets to this year’s LBF sold, it’s ‘general admission or bust’ if you want to go to any one of the garter-snapping showcases staged as part of this dark and daring dalliance with all things strip-tease. International artistes will partake in themed specials like ‘boylesque’ night Shanghai Surprise, the bizarre and beautiful Twisted Cabaret, and the Best Of British ‘Crown Jewels’ revue. Details and tickets here.

LIMBO, London Wonderground, 10 May – 29 Sep (pictured)
Headlining the Udderbelly’s circus/cabaret-centric sister tent-fest this year are LIMBO, who eat, sleep and fire-breathe extraordinary feats of physical freakery as easily as one might breathe… well, air. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Nico Muhly’s A Scream And An Outrage, The Barbican, 10-12 May
NYC-based composer Nico Muhly curates a programme of six classical/contemporary live recitals featuring the premiere of Philip Glass’ new piece ‘Etudes For Piano’, Villagers’ Conor O’Brien and Irish musician Glen Hansard (who’ll play an electric guitar concerto scored by The National’s Bryce Dessner), the BBC Symphony Orchestra, Britten Sinfonia, violinist Pekka Kuusisto, the Calder string quartet, and Arcade Fire man Richard Reed Parry. Oh, and Muhly himself, who’ll be making his presence felt all over the shop. Details and tickets here.

What to say about Thursday? It’s one day after Weds, the primer for Fri, and the time-frame in which all this history-making cultural to-do is transpiring…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Laugh Your Amps Off feat John Hegley/Christian Reilly/Hils Barker, Audio Gold, 9 May
Particularly fond of amps? Well, prepare to have yours laughed right off by singing comic laureate John Hegley, rhinestone rockstar Christian Reilly, and screenwriter/comedienne Hils Barker. And you mustn’t mind losing them, because it’s all for charity, in this case The Musicians’ Benevolent Fund. Details and tickets here.

Mark Dolan – Totally Awesome, Udderbelly, 9 May
Mark Dolan will be showing off his bona fide brilliance as part of this year’s many-teated Udderbelly extravaganza. It’s a brand new show, and finds Dolan feting the finer things in life, like that time his tricky ex girlfriend wasn’t pregnant after all. Awesome! Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Savages, Ministry Of Sound, 9 May (pictured)
All-girl ‘Shut Up’ hitmakers Savages have crafted a night of films, DJ sets and (obvs) a live playback of their excellent new LP ‘Silence Yourself’, the likes of which the normally dance-favouring MOS has never hosted in all its years. Details and tickets here.

Banish those argyles and ankle-lengths, Londoners, because it’s No Sock Day. Which might prove problematic (and err, damp), but will probably just be really liberating. There’s only one way to find out. Anyway, and having nothing whatsoever to do with socks, I sock to you this fine quintet of capital-based cultural choices…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Stand Up For NAPAC feat Stewart Lee/Isy Suttie/Mark Watson, Bloomsbury Theatre, 8 May
In the Bloomsbury’s grand tradition of hosting charity galas with target-smashing line-ups to match, tonight’s benefit, in aid of the National Association For People Abused In Childhood, stars Stewart Lee, Mark Watson, Isy Suttie and Mark Thomas. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

De La Soul, HMV Forum, 8 May
Seminal rap trio De La Soul set a singular ‘Grind Date’ at HMV’s Kentish Town Forum, playing a compilation of their greatest hits and, if they have the time and the inclination, 2012′s concept LP ‘First Serve’. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S SPOKEN WORD CHOICES

Katy Brand’s Book Group Live feat Miranda Hart/Emma Kennedy, The Tabernacle, 8 May (pictured)
TV impressionist Katy Brand (who by chance has a book to promote) chairs a pleasant evening of readings, literary chit-chat and mini Q&As with her honorary bookworms Miranda Hart and Emma Kennedy. Who’ve also authored books. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

As You Like It, Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre, 8-11 May
“All the world’s a stage”, as is said in Shakespeare’s light and frothy dram-com ‘As You Like It’, and tonight that stage is the bankside Globe. Presented as part of the theatre’s pro-international Globe To Globe programme, The Marjanishvili co’s take on Shakey’s pastoral play is performed in its native Georgian, albeit with English surtitles. Details and tickets here.

Sons Without Fathers, Arcola Theatre, 8 May – 15 Jun
Helena Kaut-Howson directs this brutalist adaptation of Chekhov’s lesser-famed first script ‘Platonov’, which shines a light on its vodka-drinking schoolmaster protagonist’s extra-marital affairs, resetting his passions and disaffections in modern times. Details and tickets here.

So it’s a Bank Holiday tomorrow, which is nice if you like that kind of thing (and don’t have any pressing admin to do ‘in branch). And given we all have the day off, you can afford to sneak a naughty night-time glance at London in all its cultural regalia…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Stand Up For Football Action presents… Tom Rosenthal/The Beta Males/Fredrik Andersson/Funmbi Omotayo, The Bedford, 5 May
A nice, appropriate thing to take in after the Sunday match, this, as ‘Friday Night Dinner’ card Tom Rosenthal plays charitable five-a-side (if only figuratively speaking) with team mates The Beta Males, Fredrik Andersson, Funmbi Omotayo and MC Iain Stirling. All cash raised via their sporting endeavours will go to children’s charity Football Action. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S FESTIVAL CHOICES

Land Of Kings, Dalston, 5 May (pictured)
Taking place in various dark, artsy dives in east London’s pinnacle-of-cool, Dalston, this year’s Land Of Kings will feature the right royal presences of live acts like Darkstar, Chrome Hoof, Bo Ningen, New Young Pony Club, Night Works, Skream, Totally Enormous Extinct Dinosaurs, and Gang Colours. Also optional; a buy-and-play vinyl fair, musical bingo, films-on-roofs, and a ‘Walala UV Room’ created by Hackney-based graphic artist Camille Walala. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Van Dyke Parks, Borderline, 5 May
Aged (well, aged 70) Americana great Van Dyke Parks is to mark the release of his new LP, ‘Songs Cycled’, by playing a show live in London. It’s been hastily arranged in place of Grizzly Bear’s postponed-to-2-Nov I’ll Be Your Mirror fest, at which VDP was meant to play. And that’s all, really. Details and tickets here.

Aha, what have we here? A bevy of London’s most shapely cultural beauties just waiting to be appreciated? Well yeah, actually…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Andrew Maxwell, Elgar Room at Royal Albert Hall, 4 May
Always good (nay, great) for a laugh, vivacious Irishman Andrew Maxwell demonstrates, once again, why he’s one of the scene’s most dependable comics. Details and tickets here.

Susan Calman – Out Of My Mind, Udderbelly Southbank, 4 May
The inimitable Susan Calman has a new show (as in, her first since last year’s Thatcher-inspired smash hit) based on her mild private manias to share, and tonight shall be revealing said manias (talking to cats, for one) to an audience of 18+ nosy parkers. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

I’ll Be Your Mirror feat Yeah Yeah Yeahs/Black Lips/Jon Spencer Blues Explosion/Anika, Alexandra Palace, 4 May (pictured)
This year’s is a particularly high-shine IBYM line-up, namely thanks to its headlining stars, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, who’ve chosen bands like the Black Lips, the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Anika, Mick Harvey and Dirty Beaches to play their edition of the ATP-enabled festival. And that’s just the live side of things; fest guests can also take in a range of cinema, DJs, cocktails, and real ales. NB: Grizzly Bear’s IBYM, as was meant to take place on 5 May, has been set back to 2 Nov, with all original tickets remaining valid. Details and tickets here.

Ooooooo-ooo… I predict spooky goings-on in London tonight, because it is – a la that strange chill in your bones – Paranormal Day. Since this really isn’t a time to spend solo, why not dispel all fears of ghostly nasties by RSVP-ing one of the following cultural attractions. As they say, there’s safety in numbers…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Lead Pencil, Canal Cafe Theatre, 3 May
“Smart and likeable” sketch trio Lead Pencil’s self-titled show draws on a cache of scrawly cardboard props, silly gags, and Kate N Pippa impersonations. Off with their leads! Details and tickets here.

Spank! presents… Katherine Ryan/Marcel Lucont/Late Night Gimp Fight, Udderbelly Southbank, 3 May
Hard-partying Spank!-ers James Wren, Leon Fleury and Corrie McGuire initiate naive guests like Canadian candy girl Katherine Ryan, Gainsbourgian rascal Marcel Lucont, and XXX sketchists Late Night Gimp Fight into the risque ways of a standard Spank! night, namely character skits, sing-songs, and barefaced nakedness. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Loudon Wainwright III, Royal Festival Hall, 3 May (pictured)
The man who taught Rufus and Martha all they know, Wainwright family patriarch Loudon III, parades his new LP ‘Older Than My Old Man Now’, an aural autobiog of his “swinging life”, in front of a paying audience. Details and tickets here.

Oh man, it’s Play Your Ukulele Day today (or so say certain Americans, and Mumford & Sons), so we’ve made this sweet cultural music  to tickle your music/theatre-loving fancy. Have a fiddle with the following…

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

R Stevie Moore, Cargo, 2 May (pictured)
Sexagenarian psych gent R Stevie Moore – always a sight to be seen live – really, really wants you all to go to London’s Cargo on 2 May, when he’ll be playing his ‘country and western pop art’ to passers-by/fans who’ve obtained tickets. And if you don’t believe that, watch him saying things to that effect via this link. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S THEATRE CHOICES

The Match Box, Tricycle Theatre, 2 May – 1 Jun
The Tricycle spins a new yarn by revered Irish playwright Frank McGuinnes. Moonlighting actress Lia Williams is in the directorial chair, as Leanne Best plays Sal, an Englishwoman (with ‘a past’) living on the island of Valentia. Details and tickets here.

Travels With My Aunt, Menier Chocolate Factory, 2 May – 29 Jun
‘History Boys’/'Spamalot’ director Christopher Luscombe captains this comic adaptation of Graham Greene’s ‘Travels With My Aunt’, the light-hearted tale of a retired bank manager’s unusual global jaunt with his Aunt Augusta. Details and tickets here.

It’s Astronomy Day today, and so gaze with awe at the falling comic/music/cinema stars TW London has caught to add cultural sparkle to your time in the capital…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Chris Ramsey – Feeling Lucky, Bloomsbury Theatre, 28 Apr
Taking time off from filming a new series of the BBC’s quite likeable boy-marries-girl sitcom, ‘Hebburn’, cautiously-coiffed Tynesider Chris Ramsey is back at the Bloomsbury to retell the making of his new telly fame; plus science, genealogy, fate, chance, the universe, and most things in between. Details and tickets here.

Sunday Special presents… Carl Donnelly/Joey Page, Up The Creek, 28 Apr
Apt to ‘Mock The Week’ on occasion, conversational comic Carl Donnelly is paired with chatty Camden chappy Joey Page for what will, in light of its billing (and the presence of tonight’s MC, safe-pair-of-hands Ed Gamble), be an especially Special Sunday to rival all Sundays, ever. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S FILM CHOICES

From The Sea To The Land Beyond + British Sea Power, IndigO2, 28 Apr (pictured)
Commissioned as part of this year’s Sundance London, watertight guitar band British Sea Power back a showing of Penny Woolcock’s archival/coastal doc via an original score trimmed to fit the film’s tidal ebb and flow. Details and tickets here.

So it’s Saturday 27 April, and what a charming Saturday 27 April it is. Especially in light of these cultural beauties…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Comedy Club 4 Kids presents… Andrew O’Neill/Boothby Graffoe/Howard Read, Udderbelly Southbank, 27 Apr (pictured)
Hurrah 4 kids aged 6+, and the show that’s made especially to make them (and their parents) laugh. Tonight, CC4K re-breaches the Udderbelly fest, and features appearances by steampunk comic Andrew O’Neill (that’s him, above), guitar-playing gag artiste Boothby ‘Booby’ Graffoe and able MC Howard Read. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Mark Ronson/Riton, XOYO, 27 Apr
Oily-haired DJ/A-list cad Mark Ronson is presenting his well-presented self at east London’s XOYO tonight to ‘spin’ a track, or several. PAs by electronica type Riton and a “very special guest” are on the cards, too. Details and tickets here.

At last, the day we’ve all been awaiting all year… Pretzel Day. So I guess that means the only thing to do now is buy today’s star salted snack, and eat it. Which can be done in tandem with any one of these cultural activities…

TODAY’S COMEDY CHOICES

Doc Brown, Udderbelly Southbank, 26 Apr/3 May
Oh looky, it’s Udderbelly fave Doc Brown, who’s probably sick (no joke) of being taken for an American mime act. He isn’t an American mime act, he’s a talkative British ‘hip-hop comic’/rapper with whom hilarity is a certainty. Got that? Okay. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S FESTIVAL CHOICES

Hyperlink, Tate Modern Tanks, 26-28 Apr
The Tate Modern plays to its name via this ultra-contemporary programme of ‘six degrees of separation’-themed live and static arts. In addition to sets by rappers Sway, Akala and Angel; Brighton songwriter Sebastian Blake and spoken-word artist George The Poet, the even features interactive classes with the likes of A-list paparazzo Rankin, streetwear designer Casette Playa, zine team It’s Nice That and architects Aberrant. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S FILM CHOICES

Agnès Varda Season, ICA, 26 Apr – 2 May
Pre-dating even the nouvelle vague aesthetes with her innovative first feature, 1955′s ’La Pointe Courte’, experimental French filmmaker Agnès Varda is given her very own five-film season at the ICA. Details and tickets here.

TODAY’S MUSIC CHOICES

Matthew E White, Queen Elizabeth Hall, 26 Apr (pictured)
Hairy pop shaman Matthew E White, him of ‘Big Love’ fame, makes rhythm-and-bluesy pop grooves to move to. Move to Matthew’s grooves tonight at Queen Elizbaeth Hall, as he plays his highest-capacity space to date. Details and tickets here.